This is part of Help! Wanted, a special series from Slate advice. In the advising biz, there are certain eternal dilemmas that bedevil letter writers and columnists alike. This week, we’re taking them head-on.
Sometimes, all you need is a different perspective. So this week, our columnists have swapped fields of expertise. In this edition, Allison Price, a Care and Feeding columnist, handles your personal finance questions.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I have a small circle of friends we have known for over 40 years. We have gone through every milestone together from births to deaths to seeing the first grandchild born; we attended the weddings of all their children. Now, our son is engaged to “Mia.” My husband and I are paying for a very large portion of their wedding. We haven’t asked for much and are comfortable being left out of many of the decisions. Mia has a very specific vision for her wedding and the rest of us are just here for the ride. All we asked was that we could invite our 20 friends out of more than 150 guests. These past two years have been particularly hard on us; my husband lost his parents and brother while my two sisters, niece, and great-uncle all died unexpectedly. We don’t have much in the way of blood kin anymore, but we do have “family.” The problem that is our son and his bride can’t keep to their budget, and costs are ballooning. Mia doesn’t want to cut down on her vision, so they are cutting down the guest list. And all our friends are on the chopping block.
Mia explained that she didn’t really know our friends and that it was better to have the people who really love and know the couple to be present at the wedding. I told Mia that was hurtful. These people watched my son grow up and have been in our lives longer than Mia has been alive. Would she think cutting my son’s late grandparents or aunts out be acceptable? I told Mia if she was concerned about costs that our friends would not have to make it to the reception but it would mean the world for us if they could attend the ceremony at the church. Mia told me that wouldn’t fly. My husband talked to our son and he told us he “wants” our friends there but we have to “understand” this is Mia’s big day. My husband retorted that maybe Mia should pay for her own big day then. That led to a fight. A big one. Our son accused us of trying to take control of everything. This hurts. We don’t care about the flowers, the dress, or the food—we just want our family there when our son gets married. Is this out of bounds? When we offered to pay for things, this is all we asked. Our son and Mia accepted it until now. My husband wants to play hardball and just go the traditional way and pay for the reception dinner. Let Mia’s parents pull out their pocketbooks then. I’d rather not burn any bridges, but this is still so baffling to me. Is our request overbearing? Our daughter doesn’t like Mia and thinks she is a bridezilla. An outside opinion would be welcomed.
—Bridal Disaster
Dear Disaster,
There seem to be two main approaches people take to wedding guest lists. One approach views a wedding as a coming together of two families, where the loved ones of each individual come to bear witness and bless the union. The other approach views a wedding primarily as a pivotal point in a couple’s lives, and thus the folks who have been most important to that couple are invited to be part of this day at their side. I tend to be in the first school of thought, as you appear to be. That doesn’t mean the other approach is wrong, though.
I understand you are incredibly disappointed and hurt. You all made an agreement at the beginning of wedding planning that now your son and Mia are reneging on. I think there are a couple of things you need to determine when moving forward.
First, take the money out of the conversation entirely. It will only serve to heighten the tension—as you’ve already discovered first-hand. You know the advice about loaning money to a friend—that you have to think of it as a gift and assume you’ll never be repaid, in order to avoid poisoning the friendship? You need to have the same frame of mind here. You said you would pay for the wedding. Yes, you had one request that isn’t being respected, but that’s not actually related to the money (it’s not like you put restrictions on the kinds of vendors they used, for example)—it’s about your relationship to the bride and groom. So, consider the money a non-issue as pertains to the guest list. And have your husband apologize for going there in his fight with your son.
Second, get a little intel. Are there any guests still on the list that Mia knows but that your son “doesn’t really know”? If not, and she has truly cut the list to only folks that are mutually known to the couple, I believe you have your answer. You’ll have to make peace with their approach, and explain it to your friends. After all, you offered to pay for their wedding, not “throw them a wedding,” which means they do get to make this call.
However, if the cuts were made only on one side, I do think that is an important point to raise. I just don’t think you should be the one to raise it. If the guest list is lopsided, and your son has loved ones that aren’t included, it is his responsibility to advocate for himself and his family to the woman who is ostensibly becoming his partner. This is the first of many instances where each of them will have to balance their individual, partner’s, and family’s needs. You can guide him in developing that mindset (and skillset), but ultimately he has to walk his own path. Similarly, this seems like a prime opportunity for you and your husband to start developing your thick skins, as there will be many times in the future that you and your husband fundamentally disagree with your son’s and Mia’s choices. The sooner you can learn how to cope with that, the easier the relationship will be.
I’m sorry you are disappointed during what is supposed to be a joyous time. Hopefully, despite this rocky period, you will have a wonderful celebration and enjoy your new family member for years to come.
Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Lillian, Athena, and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My mother just sent me a check for $10,000, presumably as a congratulations for buying a house. She says she found a forgotten savings plan from an old job and thought it would be good timing. I am so grateful for this cash gift, and it definitely would replenish my emergency savings account that took a hit with several unexpected moving costs. But at the same time, I have a complicated history with money with my mother. There have been different situations where she suggested that she would pay for something and I would end up paying for it instead—trips that she said she would cover and ended up not budgeting for, college loans that she borrowed on my behalf but later asked me to repay since it was for my education, inviting me for dinner out only to have forgotten her checkbook or commenting how expensive eating out is until I offer to pay, etc. This history makes me have complicated feelings about the cash gift, and I’m looking for the catch.
Based on how my mom has talked about it, I might have found the catch. My sister is moving out of mom’s house and living on her own for the first time, but they had so many arguments in recent years that I think my mom is bitter about having let her live there rent-free, so she’s not giving any of this money to my sister. And, because she’s frustrated that my sister and I are so close and she feels shut out, I suspect she wants to triangulate with me and have me mention it to my sister to hurt my sister’s feelings. Maybe it’s presuming a lot, but I’m used to my mom playing chess, so it’s perfectly within the realm of possibility. This cash gift feels so complicated and I’m not sure how to navigate it. Do I accept it? Do I quietly give half to my sister? Do I not mention it to my sister at all?
—Can Only Play Checkers
Dear Checkers,
Normally I don’t discuss cash gifts with others; I prefer it stays between the giver and receiver. But it sounds like your situation has some potential for complications. Still, I think there is a way forward that doesn’t put you in the crosshairs.
Take the gift with grace. It was supposedly meant to help you with this major life milestone, and there is nothing wrong with that. (Not everything must be samesies among siblings.) Plus, you have no idea whether your sister has been given a similar gift at any point; you can even argue that living rent-free was a significant financial gift.
Meanwhile, you might be able to have a conversation with your sister where you’re able to ask her about her financial security, without prying of course. If she mentions things are tight, then at that point you can decide whether to literally share the wealth. If all appears good with her, but you still feel guilty, you can make a plan to take her on a nice vacation, or start saving for a “new house” nest egg gift from you to her.
I would not volunteer any of your plans or outcomes to your mom. If she tries to weaponize the money at you or your sister, be firm and don’t take the bait. She has given this money to you as a gift, and it is only your business what you do with it.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
How do you deal with friends who expect favors without asking? I’ve been getting better at asserting boundaries recently, and I’m noticing a pattern of people expecting things from me but never asking for them. I’ve gotten roped into hosting events and driving people around by friends who assume I’m always available to help, so I’ve started playing dumb whenever it’s heading that way. (“Oh, you were going to host your game night at my place? I didn’t know, my boyfriend’s already hosting people.”) The problem seems to be that, instead of changing plans, these friends will just feign helplessness every time. They have their own places and money! Most of them have cars! But if I don’t make these hangouts happen, then they don’t. I’d mind less if they just asked, or even seemed grateful for the help. Am I wrong to just let these hangouts die on the vine?
—This Gets Real Old When Everyone’s 30
Dear Gets Real Old,
I want to be a fly on the wall to watch these events unfurl first-hand, because the dynamics you describe are a bit baffling. Do you have the best apartment? Or are you the “glue friend”—i.e. the person who brought the group together such that they don’t really hang out without you? When I was in my 20s, we had a couple who were our default hosts, but if their place wasn’t available, we absolutely hung out elsewhere, and we all just also hosted simply of our own volition. The fact that your friends don’t or won’t is odd.
You can see if playing dumb works out—maybe someone will step up after several canceled plans. The downside is your friends might think you’re trying to pull a slow fade out of hanging out entirely. Instead, I’d suggest putting your question on the table. After all, you should be able to talk honestly to your close friends. Next time you are all together, share what you’ve noticed, and ask them if it’s accurate from their point of view. Be curious, not accusatory. If they are true friends, I think they would answer your questions with honesty—and if they were acting this way unintentionally, I would expect the behaviors to shift, at least a bit, going forward.
However, if you don’t get a good response from the group, you may need to think about whether these are friendships worth preserving. Your 30s are a time when a lot of friendships start to change. People get married, have kids, grow their careers, develop new interests, etc. Friendships and friend groups that were once rock-solid start to erode. This is a normal part of life as you move further into adulthood. The patterns you are seeing might be your early signs that your friendships are similarly changing. You can absolutely put the effort into preserving these relationships, but if the effort is one-sided, I think it will always disappoint you.
Dear Pay Dirt,
What do you do when you have two equally good paths? The first path is planning to go to graduate school after which my income will roughly double. The program doesn’t allow for working, so I would be living off of savings, scholarships, and various forms of financial aid (assuming I qualify, as I make a decent income now) for two years. The second is to buy a house/condo, and then possibly look to expand my family via fostering to adoption (while pregnancy is still possible, I’m unsure how I feel about going through a newborn phase again). While neither of these things is exclusive, and I do want to do both of them, I feel like both paths have similar pros and cons. My rent is at a point where the cost of a mortgage and fees is nearly the same. The two bedrooms I have are big enough for my son, me, and our cats, but not for anyone else. It gets tight if he even has his best friend over! So, staying there and trying to foster/adopt seems impractical. I guess this is a good situation to be in, all things considered. I just don’t know where to start to even make these choices!
—Good Place to Be
Dear Good Place to Be,
If the choices are equally appealing to you, and if you want to do both, think about which one would be hardest to do second. Meaning, what sounds harder to you: going to grad school while fostering a new child, or fostering a child while pursuing whatever new career or new responsibilities are unlocked by your graduate degree?
I’d also think about the impacts these decisions would have on your son, and use that for a tiebreaker. Think about which one brings the most value—or the least upheaval—to him. I often find myself in a similar boat as you describe, weighing various options available to me, but I’ve never regretted picking the choice that I feel will benefit my kids most. That doesn’t always mean the thing that directly makes them happy; in your case, it could be the option that gives you both more financial security, or the option that gives him the best example of the kind of person you want him to grow into.
This is a finance column, of course, so I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that finishing graduate school two years from now versus seven (as an example) will have a profound impact on your earning potential. Not only will your salary be higher earlier, but you’ll have more years to acquire raises, bonuses, etc., and a few more years of compound interest through investing as well. I think there is a lot to be said for financial security, and thus it’s worth weighing this aspect of the decision heavily. Then again, not every decision we make should be made with our heads.
If you really can’t decide, there is a silly way you could do a gut check, and it comes to you straight from the TV show, Friends. (I’m an elder millennial; there is a Friends reference for everything). In one episode, Phoebe teaches Joey to make a gut decision through a series of rapid-fire questions; the idea is that you answer many unimportant this-or-that questions in a row before a friend finally presents you with your own conundrum. The idea is that you’ll answer the way your instincts feel is right. My late husband and I would do this trick when one of us felt at a decision impasse. The only thing we added to the game was, after the final question, you checked to see if your answer satisfied you, or made you unhappy. That would be the test of whether your proffered answer was truly right for you. At that point, all decisions were final. Good luck!
—Allison
Classic Prudie
Back in September a friend of mine and I ended a yearslong on-again, off-again fling. We had been very close for a long time, and I didn’t want the romantic part of our relationship to end, but he told me that he did not “have enough” to give me, and wanted time to himself. He wanted to continue to be friends, but I felt too hurt to hang out with him. That same month he began working in the small kitchen where I am a manager.