Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My mom is on a fixed and limited income, so to help her cover expenses my husband and I supplement her income in exchange for childcare. Our kid gets to spend time with his grandmother while we work, and she gets compensated financially. We have a clear schedule that we all agreed on (five hours/weekday). In exchange, we cover a large portion of her expenses. If my husband and I had to pay for alternative childcare, we couldn’t also afford to supplement her income, so we are offering the best solution we can. However, there seems to be some resentment at times on both sides. I’m jealous of parents who get free support from their families. My mom resents the structure we need and is often complaining about chasing a toddler around or not having time to get things done. Is there a better way to do this?
—Puzzled in the Peach State
Dear Puzzled,
I agree that your current setup seems like your best option. You could possibly find a home-based childcare situation that would allow you to still share a small dollar amount with your mom each month. But I suspect that even if that were the case, it wouldn’t be enough for what she needs. You could also consider a personal loan in order to afford both childcare and your mom’s expenses, but I really don’t like the idea of taking out loans if you can avoid them. So, you seem, to me, to have chosen the best option for everyone.
Rather than try to find an alternative care situation, I’d encourage you to address the resentment it’s causing. On your end, remember that while you might be jealous of the friends who get free grandparent help, you probably have just as many friends who have no family help and pay for every minute of care they need. Another way to reframe your situation is to imagine that your mom had a stroke, and you needed to pay for her nursing care. Would you begrudge her for her health issues when your friends and neighbors had healthy parents? Of course not. The fact is that many of us middle-aged adults need to financially support our parents in one way or another. You at least get something in exchange for that help. It’s fine to be jealous—we are all human—but try not to let it fester into something more.
Regarding your mom, toddlers are hard to keep up with—especially for older adults. If her complaints are indicative of a growing inability to care for your son, then you are going to need to think creatively about how to scale back her childcare duties and/or scale back her expenses. If her complaints are surface-level whining, however, ask her to cool it—she did make an agreement, after all—but offer some respite. Perhaps you can create a system where she can take days off, and one of you can either take a vacation day or work from home. Maybe she has him at her house one or two days a week so she can get things done while she watches him. Don’t let your financial resentment keep you from trying to make reasonable accommodations for her.
And remember, childcare needs aren’t forever. Even if this seems like a fraught situation, it’s only for a limited number of years. Good luck!
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I have a 14-year-old daughter, Lacy, who has had a rough transition to middle school. She has body image issues and doesn’t always feel like she fits in or knows what she is supposed to do. This year particularly has been bad with her dealing with mean-girl behavior, and Lacy seems to be experiencing some extreme self-consciousness and despair. My wife says this is typical for teen girls and we just need to support her and help her cope until she finds her place.
My twin sister, Flo, invited Lacy to stay with her and her son, Ryan, this summer at their beach house; Lacy has been there for about six weeks now. Flo is one of the most badass women I know. She is the definition of women supporting women, very body positive, and I thought some of Flo’s positive self-talk and encouragement would be good for Lacy. It seems I was right. When we talk to Lacy on the phone, she seems much lighter, happier, and more outgoing. She has made friends, both with Ryan’s group of friends and outside of it. She talks excitedly about a book club that she and Ryan formed with some other kids, she plays in an informal volleyball league, and goes to events with my sister that she finds inspiring. She and Flo have a similar body types, and raiding Flo’s closet has allowed her to develop a style she seems to feel comfortable with. They also both have wavy/curly hair, whereas my wife’s hair is straight, and with Flo’s help, she has learned how to care for her hair. She does not speak self-deprecatingly or negatively about herself and has adopted Flo’s positive self-talk. I am so happy for Lacy and grateful to my sister for her influence.
My wife is less happy. She thinks Flo is too extreme and that Lacy is trying to turn into a carbon copy of her. She takes issue, especially with how much more comfortable Lacy is with her body and how little clothes she wears. My wife is very conservative around her body. She has always been uncomfortable with her curves and tends to cover herself up more. Lacy is small-chested and petite like Jo and has taken to not wearing bras anymore, wearing cropped tops (not too cropped, just about an inch above the waistband of her shorts), and thinking nothing of spending the day in just her swimsuit top or sports bra and some shorts. My wife and I visited the trio at the beach recently, and my wife kept encouraging Lacy to put on more clothes (there was nothing inappropriate about what she was wearing—I’ve seen girls at her school wearing less). This erupted into a fight one day when Lacy had had enough and told her mother to stop policing what she wore, that it was just a swimsuit top, that Ryan hadn’t put on a shirt all day but no one said anything to him, and that she was tired of trying to make everyone happy and just wanted to be herself. Lacy barely talked to her mother for the rest of our visit.
My sister had let us know at the beginning of the summer that she saw cut marks on Lacy and asked her about it, and Lacy admitted she cut herself sometimes. They talked about it and Lacy promised she’d come to her if she felt that urge again. Well, after our visit, Lacy came to Flo crying because all those feelings came back. My wife thinks we should put Lacy in therapy when she gets home and that the fights they have are just normal teenage girl-mother dynamics. I disagree. I have never seen my daughter happier or more confident than when she is with my sister. I know she doesn’t have the added stress of school and peer relationships at the beach right now, but I feel like she is thriving away from us and I fear what will happen when she comes home. I’ve tried to talk to my wife about relaxing on the bra and the clothes and to let more things go but she pushes back that it is her job as Lacy’s mother to “guide her into womanhood.” Honestly, I don’t think I want her to be the one to guide our daughter into womanhood, especially if that leads to her harming herself.
We have the option to send Lacy to the private boarding school where Ryan attends and where my sister is an administrator and teacher. We’ve discussed it previously but always took a “wait and see” approach. After seeing the positive changes in Lacy over the past six weeks, I think we should do it. How do I broach this with my wife without making it seem like I doubt her parenting abilities or think she’s a danger to our daughter? I know my wife is well-intentioned, but she and her mother don’t have the best relationship and it seems like she is following in her mother’s footsteps for how to parent a teenage girl.
—Preteen Girls are Hard
Dear Preteen,
This is a really difficult situation to be in. Does Lacy know about the possibility of the boarding school, and if so, does she want to go? That would hold sway for me if I were in your shoes. In addition to the mother-daughter drama, it sounds like Lacy’s had some negative peer relationships at her current school, and while it’s possible that that would dissipate as she enters high school, she might welcome a fresh start.
You said you and your wife had agreed to a wait-and-see approach about boarding school. Self-harm is a big enough issue to bring the decision to the table, and that’s how I would approach the conversation with your wife. As complicated as this situation is, your first responsibility is Lacy’s safety, and your best evidence so far is that there is something about your home life (and possibly also her social relationships in your hometown) that makes her unsafe. If Lacy feels like making this change would give her a shot at more stability and happiness, I think it’s worth a try. Yes, as parents our instincts are to be at our children’s sides to “guide them into adulthood,” as your wife would put it, but an important part of guiding our children is listening to them when they tell us what they need and allowing them to have increasing decision-making power in their lives. After all, it’s not as if a switch flips at age 18 and they are suddenly able to make all decisions on their own; we have to start teaching them to think and advocate for themselves as teens so they are prepared for independence when it finally comes.
Your wife is right to suggest that Lacy needs to start seeing a therapist, but I would also suggest that she do the same—not only to explore ways to improve her relationship with Lacy but also potentially to unpack any baggage from her own childhood she might still be carrying. I have a friend whose childhood trauma greatly impacted her adult psyche and her relationship with her kids. She sought intensive therapy, and it was a game-changer for the family. Therapy can be part of the conversation with Lacy; she could enroll in the boarding school and the family concurrently makes a commitment to each other to get therapy and work on rebuilding relationships. All of this can be a trial year, after which you all reassess what the next move is.
Be sensitive to your wife in this situation. It’s going to be incredibly hard for her to not feel like your sister is taking her place as mom (another great reason for your wife to pursue therapy). It will be even harder if Lacy’s therapy results in sharing hard truths with you or your wife. It is likely going to take a lot of reassurance and support—and maybe even direct intervention from you—to support your wife in supporting Lacy. Just remember that your wife has been doing her best for Lacy, and acting in ways she thinks are in Lacy’s best interests. You have to remain your wife’s teammate, even when you disagree about how to care for your daughter.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are both in our mid-30s and have 4-year-old twins. My husband is an amazing dad. He’s very attentive and emotionally intelligent, loves playing with the kids, and is also great at balancing housework with parenting so that we both do an equal load and each gets a break now and then. He is a grazer and has always been a bigger guy, but between working from home and now having tons of kid-friendly snacks and uneaten pizza crusts/sandwich ends/etc. around, he has gone full, glorious dad-bod: big comfy belly, strong burly arms, thick soft thighs. I think it’s the hottest thing in the world. I don’t think I’ve felt this kind of electric attraction since I was a teenager. I feel like I’m seeing him in a sexy, new light that makes everything about him brain-meltingly hot. Lifting the kids up over his head and putting his arms and belly on display? Insanely hot. Eating crusts off the kids’ plates while he does the dishes? Wildly sexy. Brushing his teeth in just his underwear so I can see his whole new body from bed? I’m gonna explode. It feels ridiculous to type, but I literally feel like I’m falling in love with him all over again. I know part of it is that he’s still so much bigger than me (I’m also heavier than I was before kids), but I think seeing him really rejoice in dadhood and look the part is a huge part of it, too.
My issue is that while I really like my post-kids body, I worry that my husband isn’t happy with his. He wears all of his clothes oversized now, he gets embarrassed if his shirt rides up, and he doesn’t initiate sex nearly as much as I do. Recently, he even left his shirt on to take the kids into our friends’ pool, which he has never done before. I’ve tried to make it clear that I think he is bonkers sexy like this, and I think he appreciates that, but he gets bummed out when clothes don’t fit the way they used to or he has to adjust something to accommodate his new weight (the steering wheel, his bike, etc.) Recently, he was too heavy to go on a ride with the kids at a theme park (I took them instead). Usually, he has no problem discussing his emotions about something, but he’s been unusually reticent about this, and I want to have a conversation about it so I can let him know in no uncertain terms how hot I think he is. I don’t want to stand in the way if he really wants to lose weight and obviously, it’s his body and therefore not my call, but I also, selfishly, don’t want him to do that. How do I let him know that I think he’s never been sexier without A) making him feel bad about his body and B) coming off like a controlling asshole?
—Dad-Bod Dilemma
Dear Dad-Bod,
I want to start by celebrating your first paragraph because your attraction to your husband—and the joy and affection behind it—was palpable. Someone please tell Danielle Steel that I’ve found a collaborator for her next project!
You do need to have a conversation and ask him where his head is at, because how you should proceed depends on whether he is trying to accept his new body or whether he wants to change it. If he’s in the former camp, then share some of the same things you wrote to me. Tell him explicitly (in every meaning of the word) what you find sexy about his body and himself, and ask if hearing that more often would be helpful—a bit of consensual objectification, if you will.
On the other hand, if he wants to change his body, then your only next move is to ask, “How can I support you?” To illustrate that point, let’s imagine the roles were reversed: Your body has changed, for whatever reason, and your breasts are now huge, which your husband loves. You, on the other hand, feel like your silhouette is ridiculous, your clothes don’t fit, and you are starting to have chronic back pain. Would you be happy if your husband said, “Get a breast reduction if you really want to, but I’m so turned on by your boobs that I hope you keep them around”? Even in our most intimate relationships, those kinds of asks can cross the line.
Part of the reason your husband might be forlorn about his weight is the realization that it could keep him from having certain experiences with his kids, such as in the roller coaster example; I bet it was really hard for him to miss out in that way. He might also be thinking about whether his weight could have long-term health complications that could keep him from his kid permanently. Both of those considerations are further reasons why your lusty longings might need to take a back seat to his desires.
Don’t despair just yet. It sounds like you have one of those partners who is truly carrying his share of the work and reveling in being a dad. I wouldn’t be surprised, even if his body changed back to what it was, if you found that the chores and parenting alone were enough to keep you fired up. After all, a man folding 4T outfits in a sparkling clean kitchen is just about the most powerful aphrodisiac I can imagine.
—Allison
More Advice From Slate
My husband and I are both in the final year of completing doctoral degrees, and we plan to have a baby as soon as we graduate. We discuss this often, and it has been our plan for years. Last year, we decided that we didn’t want to wait any longer, so we got a puppy. I know, I know, a puppy is not the same as having a baby, but we both thought it would bring a lot of joy to our lives while giving us a feel for what it’s like to take care of another being. My husband loves taking care of him, playing with him, training him, taking him to the dog park, etc. On the other hand, the puppy is a major cause of stress and anxiety to me.